Tankman Triweekly NO. 1 - Piconjo Day

Posted by Anonymous-Frog - June 9th, 2021

Issue 1: June 9th 2021: Piconjo Day

TOP STORY: NEWGROUNDS FELONS BREAK OUT OF PURGATORY

HELL - Two maximum security inmates from the St. Peter's Purgatory Penitentiary have escaped. They were identified as self proclaimed 'god of teh pr0tal' Piconjo, referred to as 'Oliver Longwood' by Warden Ortiz, and Adam Fulton, better known as Livecorpse. Both were highly controversial Newgrounds users during the early 2000s.

Fulton was placed in St. Peter's Purgatory Penitentiary in 2004 for attempting to evade living police, while Piconjo was brought down when a doctor did his kidney transplant. This doctor would later go on to treat Michael Jackson in 2009.

News of the escape immediately broke out at St. Peter's Purgatory Penitentiary, with Ortiz initiating a full lockdown on Tuesday, before calling for an investigation. Investigators confirmed that the duo escaped through a recently discovered tunnel.

Piconjo started a riot lasting 6 hours and 9 minutes, during which he attacked several guards. During that time, it is believed that the riot was done as a distraction while Fulton dug the tunnel, allowing the two to escape.

"His junk was the size of three footballs!", proclaimed one guard, who suffered overwhelming anal damage. Twenty-two more guards were also anally penetrated, thirteen were forced to commit fellatio, and thirty-three were whacked in the head or body with his massive genitalia.

Fulton was found just two miles away from prison grounds and was placed in solitary confinement. The whereabouts of Piconjo are still unknown.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR: The official arrest reports claim that Piconjo was sent to St. Peter's Purgatory Penitentiary in 2008, even though they contradict Piconjo's official death certificate in 2005. Meanwhile a theory has surfaced that the 'Piconjo' that was placed in St. Peter's Purgatory Penitentiary was an imperfect genetic clone created by the Warden in order to boost the prison's credit when they couldn't find the real Piconjo. We officially cannot confirm this theory on behalf of Ortiz because 'it sounds way to silly'

SOMETHIGN'S 0FF WITH TEH POPE 2DAY

VATICAN - In a massive announcement made today, Pope Francis has officially recognized Joseph Blanchette, also known online as LegendaryFrog, as 'a sinful piece of shit'. Blanchette, who hasn't made a new animation in years, hasn't stopped the Pope from proclaiming that anyone who follows or worships LegendaryFrog will be 'banished to teh Depths of teh Hell'

Many people in the Vatican were skeptical about such an odd announcement. One obvious detail is that the Pope now has thick, lushious orange hair, something he didn't have prior to this announcement. Several priests have also commented on Francis's weiner, one said he was "jealous because it was bigger than mine!"

"It wasn't that big two days ago." proclaimed one bishop who preferred to remain anonymous. "I don't know what Francis did to enlarge it. I tried asking him about it, but he told me to 'sux mai pen0r'. Normally he'd only do that with boys under 12, but now he's trying to get Father Carl down on his knees to do the dirty act because 'that is what God wants.' It turns out that Carl had a Newgrounds account and left a 5 star review on 'Kerri's Big Invention' back in 2005. This leaves two questions, how exactly did the Pope know about this, and why does he care?"

Francis finished his speech with "Our enemies shall fall, cause I will pwn them all, now and forever."

IMPLOCK FOUND DEAD ON SIDEWALK

Fans of the Lock Legion are in mourning today when their most talented member ImpLock was found dead on the sidewalk. Official autopsies claim that Imp had his head blown off with a sniper rifle and fell 90 storeys off a skyscraper. Various members of the Lock Legion have refused to comment on Imp's death, besides the occasional 'F' to pay respect.

One eyewitness claimed to have the body dropped on top of her. When asked what she saw before that, she said "This person got into an argument with another person. They were calling him a lot of mean things." We at Tankman Triweekly can't publish those words in order to not offend our audience, so please fucking calm down.

ImpLock's killer remains unfound.

@somefatfuck4: Easily beatable in a TF2 match.

@ProsciuttoMan: Not a true Piconjer, won't even hurt LF.