Issue 2: June 20th 2021: Sunday Spam

TOP STORY: TANKMAN TRIWEEKLY FINALLY ABLE TO MEET SUNDAY DEADLINE. THEIR SECRET WILL SHOCK YOU.

Y'all heard the story of when the editor of the Tank Tribune got carpal tunnel and had to slow down on writing new issues. We at Tankman Triweekly have found a solution that doesn't require us to push the deadline to Monday.

We write with our feet.

Yes, we have keyboards on the floor that allows our editors to type with our feet. Sure it's very messy and leaves it smelling like onions, but it allows us to type hands-free with oonly twuce as many spelling erorrs.

OLD BBS THREADS BUMPED ONLY FOUR TIMES THIS MONTH

The month of June has brought on a whole new generation of troublemakers, some of them trying to finish what some now inactive chump started. Even though these threads haven't been touched in over a decade, this hasn't stopped these four buggers from trying to bring them back from the dead.

The practice is called necrobumping. We are not making this up.

https://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1030112/4 February 20th 2009. Even though the Simpsons are still going on, ideas for this specific premise surely have dried up by this point. Bumped by @FireTower

https://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/360167/2 October 13th 2005. Newgrounds Rumble programmer @NegativeONE's website no longer exists, but that hasn't stopped @AcidWolf33 from pointing that out 16 years later

https://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/237811 March 1st 2005. Yes Newgrounds still exists. Bumped by @MacromediaGuy, concerned about who'll take over Newgrounds when Tom Fulp dies.

https://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/202950 December 4th 2004 Not even P-Bot is safe from getting bumped 16 years in the making. Bumped by @Piconjo out of all people

PETER PEECHA FINALLY MAKES IT ONTO TIERLIST

Credit: Jack7m (Discord)

INTERVIEW WITH BUTTCHAMBER

Today we have a special interview with teh one and only @ButtChamber. ButtChamber first appeared in Newgrounds Rumble, having been mistaken for Piconjo by MindChamber (it's not like he looks anything like Piconjo to begin with), but has since gone on to have his own standalone career, in part due to the real Piconjo returning.

Interview No. 1

Interview by: @Anonymous-Frog (the same person who writes the paper)

Q: Where did you come from?

A: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!

Q: How does it feel to be in Newgrounds Rumble? You must be one of them big boys?

A: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!

Q: Are you a virgin?

A: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!

Q: Can you reply with anything other than fart noises?

A: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!

Q: I'm being f**kin' serious with you! Stop it!

A: OK fine, they're turning brown anyways

Q: Thank you. How does it feel to be in Newgrounds Rumble?

A: It felt great playing the part of Piconjo for that game. Fun to be in teh show business for once. Apparently they couldn't find the real Piconjo, so they were looking for anyone who looked like him. I look bugger all like that son of a bitch, but that Mindchamber fellow was that desperate, so I took the role and went along with it. Though to be fair that sword was HEAVY!

Q: Why haven't you done anything else in the past 

A: As soon as I finished my role, Mindchamber saw no more use in me, so he ripped my p3n0r off and I died from teh bleeding. It was at that point where I was placed in teh prison for dead people. Thankfully my cellmate was someone who knew Piconjo and he was able to help me escape. It was at that point where I realized that teh Piconjo himself had also come back from teh dead.

Q: Why didn't you contact the Interviewer? Why me?

A: I tr3id 2 sc00r an interview with teh Interviewer, but his wrist was injured, so he turned me down. It apparently also happened with teh tank tribute editor. Journalism must r33ly hurt a l0t!

Q: Your art looks similar to mine. Explain yourself?

A: All I have is a rubbish laptop with MS Paint installed. j00 use MS Paint right? teh art would obviously look similar.

Q: Are you a virgin?

A: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!

@stevetherapper: Calls himself a rapper, yet his only audio submission is a voice demo.

@olskoo: The Newgrounds equivalent to YouTube's MrBeast.

FEATURED AUDIO

Same Shit From The Previous Paper With No Changes At All

Theme song? For news? You must be out of your mind!

Music:

@OrangeClock @M4Music @Juiceboi-PRO @land0lakes and @EruptionMusic

CALENDAR

June 26th: Where I'm from, it's called the NG Winter Festival. 11PM on Saturday June 26th will feature a panel on Pwnism, which was officially recognized by the Catholic Church on the 9th.

July: Nothing special right now

August 15th: The biggest Clock Day in history.

EVERYONE IS HERE!!

Maybe foot-drawn comic strips are not such a good idea.

Tankman Triweekly is owned by @Beggenrun

Go vote 5 on BLOX, the 800,000th submission to the Portal!

Issue 1: June 9th 2021: Piconjo Day

TOP STORY: NEWGROUNDS FELONS BREAK OUT OF PURGATORY

HELL - Two maximum security inmates from the St. Peter's Purgatory Penitentiary have escaped. They were identified as self proclaimed 'god of teh pr0tal' Piconjo, referred to as 'Oliver Longwood' by Warden Ortiz, and Adam Fulton, better known as Livecorpse. Both were highly controversial Newgrounds users during the early 2000s.

Fulton was placed in St. Peter's Purgatory Penitentiary in 2004 for attempting to evade living police, while Piconjo was brought down when a doctor did his kidney transplant. This doctor would later go on to treat Michael Jackson in 2009.

News of the escape immediately broke out at St. Peter's Purgatory Penitentiary, with Ortiz initiating a full lockdown on Tuesday, before calling for an investigation. Investigators confirmed that the duo escaped through a recently discovered tunnel. 

Piconjo started a riot lasting 6 hours and 9 minutes, during which he attacked several guards. During that time, it is believed that the riot was done as a distraction while Fulton dug the tunnel, allowing the two to escape.

"His junk was the size of three footballs!", proclaimed one guard, who suffered overwhelming anal damage. Twenty-two more guards were also anally penetrated, thirteen were forced to commit fellatio, and thirty-three were whacked in the head or body with his massive genitalia.

Fulton was found just two miles away from prison grounds and was placed in solitary confinement. The whereabouts of Piconjo are still unknown.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR: The official arrest reports claim that Piconjo was sent to St. Peter's Purgatory Penitentiary in 2008, even though they contradict Piconjo's official death certificate in 2005. Meanwhile a theory has surfaced that the 'Piconjo' that was placed in St. Peter's Purgatory Penitentiary was an imperfect genetic clone created by the Warden in order to boost the prison's credit when they couldn't find the real Piconjo. We officially cannot confirm this theory on behalf of Ortiz because 'it sounds way to silly'

SOMETHIGN'S 0FF WITH TEH POPE 2DAY

VATICAN - In a massive announcement made today, Pope Francis has officially recognized Joseph Blanchette, also known online as LegendaryFrog, as 'a sinful piece of shit'. Blanchette, who hasn't made a new animation in years, hasn't stopped the Pope from proclaiming that anyone who follows or worships LegendaryFrog will be 'banished to teh Depths of teh Hell'

Many people in the Vatican were skeptical about such an odd announcement. One obvious detail is that the Pope now has thick, lushious orange hair, something he didn't have prior to this announcement. Several priests have also commented on Francis's weiner, one said he was "jealous because it was bigger than mine!"

"It wasn't that big two days ago." proclaimed one bishop who preferred to remain anonymous. "I don't know what Francis did to enlarge it. I tried asking him about it, but he told me to 'sux mai pen0r'. Normally he'd only do that with boys under 12, but now he's trying to get Father Carl down on his knees to do the dirty act because 'that is what God wants.' It turns out that Carl had a Newgrounds account and left a 5 star review on 'Kerri's Big Invention' back in 2005. This leaves two questions, how exactly did the Pope know about this, and why does he care?"

Francis finished his speech with "Our enemies shall fall, cause I will pwn them all, now and forever."

IMPLOCK FOUND DEAD ON SIDEWALK

Fans of the Lock Legion are in mourning today when their most talented member ImpLock was found dead on the sidewalk. Official autopsies claim that Imp had his head blown off with a sniper rifle and fell 90 storeys off a skyscraper. Various members of the Lock Legion have refused to comment on Imp's death, besides the occasional 'F' to pay respect.

One eyewitness claimed to have the body dropped on top of her. When asked what she saw before that, she said "This person got into an argument with another person. They were calling him a lot of mean things." We at Tankman Triweekly can't publish those words in order to not offend our audience, so please fucking calm down.

ImpLock's killer remains unfound.

@somefatfuck4: Easily beatable in a TF2 match.

@ProsciuttoMan: Not a true Piconjer, won't even hurt LF.

FEATURED AUDIO

A List Of All The Music We Could Find. We Didn't Have Time To Consent Just Enjoy Them.

Theme song? For news? You must be out of your mind!

Music:

@OrangeClock @M4Music @Juiceboi-PRO @land0lakes and @EruptionMusic

CALENDAR

June 9th: TODAY IS PICONJO DAY.

If the new banner didn't get the message into j00r heads, then we definitely will!

June 11th: Flood The Portal Fridays.

You think we're making this up? No! @test-object really is hosting this event two days from now!

June 25-27th: Newgrounds Summer Festival.

Basically VidCon if done within COVID-19 regulations.

Watch out @Wegra, he's coming for you!

Don't forget to come check out @DrunkGecko's dad's Google history

That's teh edn of teh paper.

Tankman Triweekly is owned by @Beggenrun

Happy @Piconjo Day!

My short 'Piconjo Vs Anonymous Frog' is out now on YouTube and Newgrounds.

Ignore the high rating. That's the highest rating I've ever recieved for a movie, so I've taken extra precaution.

It's also on the Piconjo Day Jam

My Personal Piconjo Day Recommendations

Of course why not?

Cookie Clicker but with fishing.

Cool story

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!

Just another update, AGAIN! Don't you get sick of them?

Anonymous Frog

The first three episodes of Season 4. They're still going to be released backwards, so Episode 3 is releases before Episode 2 and Episode 1.

I've already slowed down on the episodes and sandwiched them in between other projects, so I might not be able to finish them all this year, and definitely not fit any more episodes.

Also, these episodes WILL NOT BE FRONTPAGED!

Episode 3: Madness Evacuation:

No prizes for what this is based on. Releasing around Madness Day (unless delayed)

Episode 2: The Clicks and Clocks Turnabout

No this is not for Clock Day. The story is going to be based on Ace Attorney. Since that series revolves around the story, I won't be spoiling it here. Not that I had done any work on this episode.

Episode 1: Pee Con-Job

Not revealing too much about it yet, but it will contain a fight scene I'm releasing on Piconjo Day. The rest of the episode will be released somewhere in 2022 and after this, episodes will be back in chronological order.

Miscellaneous News

I'm also occasionally drawing a few single panel comic strips on the BBS. If you check the 'POSTS' tab on my page, you'll be sure to find them. I'm not posting them to the Art Portal, unless it's a compilation.

These strips are more simplistic than what I usually draw.

I will follow the first user to get...

1,000,000 medal points.

Show me the proof and I'll follow ya!

Twas the day before Lock Day and I got some quick news!

Lock Day

Yes I have a movie ready for Lock Day

'But Frog, you are not a Lock. Why are you celebrating Lock Day?'

Just a little fun

80 Fans

Just hit 80 followers today. I wonder who that 80th follower could be.

*ahem ahem*

Collabs

I've been participating in a lot more collabs. I've done parts for two upcoming collabs and still working on one more. I'll reveal them once they're released.

That's all. Comment on my flies.

Them dumbos found that author dude's body. Gotta get outta here before I get arrested or worse, cancelled!

Beep beep.

*leaves behind smoke*

Follow-up:

Yesterday, I deleted my FunkinJam entry 'Friday Night Stunkin'. It was made to be the worst entry for the jam.

I'm not really a big fan of all the popularity Friday Night Funkin' has brought on and I refuse to cash in on its success. The only things I ever made based on the game were Friday Night Stunkin' and a single art submission, none of them were released outside of Newgrounds. I feel that Newgrounds as a whole has gone soft, all because of this game. That's it. Nothing else to say.